This morning I walked the beach, my bare feet drenched in salty sand and crisp ocean. The sun beamed on my entire body like a beautiful, warm hug. I arrived to my local barista ordering a coconut milk latte. I had left it tight for time to enjoy my coffee before yoga but I was determined to fit it all in. The ultimate morning trifecta; beach walk, coffee and yoga!
As I walked in to Yoga, with moments to spare (and half a latte in my belly) I took the spare space at the front of the room. I unrolled my mat and I immediately wanted to jump up and run out the door. The anxiety sudden in my chest, my body feeling as heavy as lead. The thought of being still and intimate with my body and soul for the next hour was feeling as comfortable as a trip to the gyno. I gently calmed the voice in my head, "just stay on the mat Jen, that’s all that you need to do".
In that anxious moment I realised I’d been running from my body the past few months. I had noticed my jeans getting tighter, my food choices relaxed, my exercise becoming very sporadic and my skin breaking out (all the darn time) but it was in this moment of wanting to flee from my yoga mat that the penny dropped and the wisdom flooded through every cell in my body. I have been completely disconnected from my body.
For months I've found it easier to escape and numb than fully feel. For many reasons and I guess I got so good at it that I forgot how far from myself I'd got.
So I prayed on my yoga mat. On that yoga mat, somewhere between sun salutations and pigeon pose I found what I didn’t even realise I’d lost. I was connected again. Like seeing my bestie after years apart, picking up exactly where we left off, like time and separation never occurred.
The miracle of connecting to my body again on my mat is the wisdom that our body is a reflection of our spirit. It's giving us feedback of what's happening on a deeper level within us.
There is a benefit that comes with being disconnected from my body (and any other part of life). My care factor about how I treat myself goes very low. It's a fabulous excuse to drink too much, eat too much, ignore uncomfortable feelings. BUT! There is a cost that comes with that. And the cost is the truth. The truth of what's really going on. What feelings am I hiding? What am I covering up? What am I avoiding? When I disconnected from my body, I actually disconnected from my spirit. In reality, I was using food or wine as a means to escape from how my soul was feeling. The easy button of escape. It can feel simpler to focus on surface level.
By staying on the yoga mat I reconnected with my body first and then the truth in my soul. Like a reset button. Ready to start again from a fresh space.
I'm learning to notice when I'm reaching for the escape (easy) button. To be curious. To ditch judgement (which helps no-one!) and look at what's causing me to run and numb.
What I've been reminded of from this experience is we are designed as a holy trinity of mind, body and spirit. When we disconnect from any of these things life is going to feel wonky. When we disconnect from a part of ourselves there is an underlying deeper reason.
To bring yourself back to whole, check in with why you're disconnecting, what you're escaping. Do it without judgement and without having to control it. Notice it and pray for what you need and then hit the reset button instead. Do what fills you up and centres you.
What behaviours do you go to when you've disconnected from your spirit?
What are your easy buttons when you're wanting to run and numb? (it could be food, booze, starting arguments, social media scrolling)
What could you do instead to reset yourself and become present with your mind, body and spirit? (fresh air, mini meditation, water, journal questions)