I knew the first miracle to write about would be love. Why? Because love is the miracle that created a major shift in me, beyond any other. The miracle of love changed my lens on so many things and most importantly it's given me the belief that with prayer and honest intention absolutely anything is possible.
As I write that now, it all seems so simple. But for me, it wasn't. I thought I had life sorted. I had all the adulting stuff nailed. Overseas holiday, tick. Mortgage, tick. Career, tick. Marriage, tick. Baby, tick. I was doing everything according to 'plan' (note: not sure who actually created 'the plan') and I was following the rules (also note: again not quite sure who's rules). Basically I had everything in order to live a long and happy life. Here's the problem. I had no foundation of love within myself. I operated from a state of lack (fear), feeling I needed all of this to fill me up and be my missing piece. I was desperate for love and connection from my husband, having an expectation that he was responsible for my lack. In reality, I had lost myself.
I can't remember the moment when I disconnected from my natural state of love. I suspect it was somewhere in my teen years when I realised life (well, high school) was much easier if I was less like myself. In reality, I abandoned myself for approval of others, this abandonment of self love created a hole in me and it's taken me 17 years to fill that hole in my truth and return to love.
My return to love has been a battlefield. And it came with great cost. It's a novel. It has many chapters that are understood and completed and many more that are still being experienced. The catalyst to return to love happened in a split second on a day in December 2014. In that moment the lens lifted and everything I had created to fill that hole in me, the life I created, my marriage, career, family and friendships didn't make sense. My life, that had been built on borrowed time hit the expiry date. I felt like I was living a lie, somebody else's life, living according to someone else's rules and I didn't fit in.
The reality of losing myself was now so crystal clear and in this moment of chaos, opportunity was birthed. Now, let me be very clear, it absolutely did NOT feel like an opportunity! And I didn't notice the opportunity till much, much later. In reality it was painful, an internal pain much greater than I'd ever felt. It felt confusing, chaotic, gut wrenching, heartbreaking and brutal. I felt more removed from love than ever before and I felt so angry that I had done everything I was supposed to do, I played by the rules and here I was alone and in ruins.
Two years on and although life had found it's new rhythm some parts were still brutal. In particular the relationship between myself and my now ex husband. We had become the unfortunate stereotype for separated families and I was ready to give up that things would ever change for the better. On one particular day, I was completely defeated by it all. Emotionally and physically exhausted. Not knowing what else to do. I prayed. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed for the situation. I prayed for what to do next. And the guidance that was given to me was.... Love.
Love more. When you feel hurt or attacked, send love in return. Shower the situation with love. Pray harder for love. Let go of how you want it and just be true and be love. So I did. I did all of it. I did everything my guidance told me to do, whether I thought it made sense or not.
This is where the miracle of love took over, inch by inch, moment by moment. The faith in those prayers created a brighter reality than I imagined. Two miracles in particular were born out of that faith. A seed of love was planted fresh in my foundations and the situation with my Ex began to heal.
This seed of love in me is growing, the hole in me is getting smaller and smaller and my path feels clearer. I have returned to love and I trust now that whatever comes to me in this life, relationships, family, career, it's all beginning on a solid foundation. My return to love, my return to faith and trust has given me roots. And I'm so excited about what God has in his plan for me now.
This miracle of love has shown me that no matter how long you've felt empty or like you've abandoned yourself, you can be healed. I've learned that love is trying to get your attention. It's on your side. It will whisper in your ear, it will tap you on the shoulder, it will infiltrate your mind and body until you stop and listen. Love will bring you to your knees, it will crack you open and, if you allow it, transform you. If you're sticking with safety then know this comes with a price, and an expiry date, for your time will come when you can't ignore what's right in front of you (inside you).
I've learned that love, in it's rawness, rolls with a squad of super heroes ready to make things right. Love is by nature abundant. Love is generous, it's aim is to touch everyone and everything possible. Love is like fire, it will burn what's false and make space for newness. Love is air, breathe it in to every cell of your body. Love is like water, if you try to grab it it's lost but with a gentle touch it can run all over you.
I believe it's our birthright to experience great love. I believe that the foundation to experience a wonderful, abundant life begins with a foundation of true love. I believe that if we don't have that solid foundation of true love within us, whatever we create in this world is on borrowed time. I mean how can anything built with a lack of love survive?
I believe that this love, this true love, comes from within. It starts with us and our connection to the higher power from which we came. I also believe if we've abandoned ourselves and our foundation of love that the universe will do whatever it needs to do to get our attention and give us the opportunity to return to love.
To live from a place of love takes courage. We want to protect ourselves from pain and disappointment, yet the truth is, you must first master yourself before you master your life. I wish someone had of told me that because the truth of love is so much more impressive than my previous juvenile understanding. Love in it's nakedness will change you, it will grow you, it's on a mission to transform you.
Will you let it?